I'll have what their having

"I think my biggest achievement is that after going through a rather difficult time, I consider myself comparatively sane. I'm proud of that." -Jacqueline Kennedy Onaassis

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." -Mary Tyler Moore

"Challenges make you discover things about youself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrutment stretch, make you go beyond the norm." -Cicely Tyson

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalms 139: 15-16

It has six weeks since our little one passed and I thought that I would share some insights that I have gained over this time. While for the most part I feel like I have grieved and accepted our loss, this past week I have struggled from time to time with several unnamed emotions that I couldn't put my finger on until last night. Unforunately I discovered that these emotions were jealousy and anger but putting my finger on it has really helped me address and move past these feelings.

I shared this analogy of how I have been feeling with a dear friend today and thought that I would also share it here on the off chance it might speak to someone else. Over the past six weeks and really past nine months I feel like I have gone to a fancy restaurant and here has been my experience. When I arrived at the restaurant I found my friend sitting eating a wonderful meal which looked so delicious that my mouth starts to water and I know that I do not even need to look at the menu THAT is what I will be ordering. We (Brett is there too, what is a fancy dinner without your best guy) sit down and order and while we are waiting other people we know, friends and acquaintances come and are seated at other tables, and are so taken by the dish the first person ordered they too order this delicious looking dish. My meal arrives (ie. we get pregnant for those struggling to follow this rambling) and the first few bites are great but then I find a hair in my meal and it has to be sent back to the kitchen to be remade (our miscarriage). While I am waiting for my food, I notice that everyone else has gotten their delicious meals and are digging in; however, I notice that many of them are complaining about the process of eating their food or how they feel following the meal (they are now too full or jokingly want to order more) while I sit with a bread basket I cannot eat and wonder when my food will be represented. Seeing others get their food has created a sense of jealousy and listening to them complain creates a sense of anger (since I want nothing more then to be enjoying the thing they are complaining or joking about). I know that I am being oversensitive and have no right to tell these people to stop complaining, but this complaining deeply hurts my heart as I wait for my meal.

Having this realization allowed me to let go of a lot of these feelings and realize that I needed to stop looking at everyone else's plate and wait patiently for my food (patience is not a virtue I am strong in) and enjoy the company of my family while I wait. I need to ignore the complaining and continue my interactions with them as if they are not complaining or joking about the situation. So with this realization I plan to sit firmly in the word of God, focus on my family, and wait for Him to provide me with my heart's desire, the wonderfully delicious dish that I am longing to enjoy.