Compassion

This is a post about making sense where there is none...

While we have have had a tough week (and pregnancy with its ups and downs) and our emotions have run the gamet of grief, several things have become clear to us through all of this.

From week 6 (when we were initially told that we would likely lose this baby; however, a week later this was retracted as the baby's HR improved greatly) I have been praying that God would show compassion for me and my family by taking the baby that day so we would not continue to grow attached to this baby and so we would not tell people we were pregnant and then have to take it back (which was my greatest fear). However, God kept the baby here with us for another 8 weeks, which I had started to take to mean that the baby would continue to grow and that we would meet this angel in November. So on Monday when we were told God had taken our angel home we were devastated and I will admit that I was even a little angry at God. Why did this happen? How come he didn't take this baby at 6 weeks, when we thought we were ready? Why, after I waited 12-13 weeks to tell people about our pregnancy, did he take the baby, while others can tell people the moment that they find out and have everything work out fine? How come God did not show compassion and take this baby earlier? I really struggled with trying to find answers to these questions and while many of them we will likely not figure out the complete answer to, Wednesday God "spoke" quietly to my heart and gave me a glimpse of an answer. To the best of my understanding, God (and my body) knew that something was not right with this baby early on and that is why it took so long for the HB to come into the normal range; however, God did not take our angel then because he knew that despite the fact we thought we were ready that we were not, so he gave us more time to prepare. Additionally he waited until we started to tell people because he knew that we needed that support and community around us which we likely wouldn't have had if he had taken the baby sooner. It would have become our devastating secret and would likely have eaten away at us. Even with all this I still struggled with how a loving God could not show me compassion and take this baby before we really started to look to the future with our LO, but then it hit me...HE did all of this because he has compassion for me and my family. He waited until now because he is loving and compassionate, he was not trying to teach us a lesson about humility etc., but rather was showing us the blessings that abound around us in the loving and supportive family and friends who have come together to support us during this difficult time.

Through this experience as well I have been able to see what an awesome man of God my husband is. While I have always known that he has a relationship with God I never fully understood or appreciated the faith that he has. Even when I struggled with how God could do this he never faltered in his belief that God loves us and that there is a plan for our family, even if it is not the plan that our hearts most desired.

Sorry for the long rant but I just felt that I needed to get it out.