The missing piece...

I made a decision a while ago to stop scrapbooking and rather just periodically print my blog as a keepsake for us and our kids to look back on in the future. I received this as a gift the other day and while I feel that I have done a good job documenting my pregnancy with Finley and her arrival it has been weighing on my heart that there is a piece of the story that I have not shared here (though I have shared it with a few people) and since I feel like I am having a hard time remembering my name these days, I wanted to make sure that it is recorded here for Finley when she gets older.  


Last September (September 8th, 2010) a perfect storm of events occurred and from this storm came an amazing experience which hopefully I will never forget (but based on the note above anything is possible). At the time I was still reeling from our loss in May and desperately hoping and praying for us to be blessed with a new life to nuture and grow. This was the day of our Fall Mom's group kick-off and for some reason Brett had the day off (usually he takes days off when we have nothing else going on but this was an exception).  When Callum and I got home Brett encouraged me to go out and do something for myself (something he did often but that I usually resisted because I felt like I was being banished from the house) so I went and got my haircut and then rushed home.  When I got home he told me to go do something else because they were fine and rather than fighting with him I turned and headed out the door to Barnes and Noble to find a book I had recently become aware of. At the time I was reading I Will Carry You by Angie Smith which is an amazing book about their daughter Aubrey whom they lost shortly after birth.  While this book spoke deeply to me it was something that she quoted from another book that sent me to B & N that day.  Angie Smith shared a passage from Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place in which she shares a story from her childhood which really spoke to me (if you have never heard of either of them I highly recommend checking them out).


     He looked at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

    "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.

    I stood up and tugged at it.  It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

     "It's too heavy," I said.

     "Yes," he said. "And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load.  It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge.  Some knowledge is too heavy for children.  When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

      And I was satisfied. More than satisfied - wonderfully at peace.  There were answers to this and all of my hard questions - for now, I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

Angie Smith goes on to say "What a beautiful example not only for our children, but for ourselves as children of the Lord. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us. Our role is to trust it into His keeping."

What amazing analogy and I felt that it gave insight to the numerous questions that were swirling around in my head about why we lost our little one, when/if we would get pregnant again, and if I would ever understand it all.  So rather than fight with Brett I headed out to find Corrie Ten Boom's book because I felt drawn to it for a reason I really couldn't describe.  When I got to B & N I collected this book and a couple others and sat in a pod of a few chairs to look through them.  As I went through the other books I really felt called to the The Hiding Place so I started to read it and as I did a women who was probably in her lat 30's/early 40's came and sat in the chair next to me.  After a few moments she politely interupted me and asked "Why I was interested in Corrie Ten Boom?"  Now Corrie Ten Boom had only been known to me about 12 hours and I was little taken aback.  Despite this fact I found myself sharing with this complete stranger about our miscarriage and how I deeply desired to have another child in addition to Callum (not something I usually do with people I am aquainted with and definitely not with strangers).  When I finished among other things this woman told me she was getting ready to leave the store and God spoke to her and told her to come and sit down beside me.  She continued to tell me about how she saw me with another child soon and that she couldn't wait to see all of us together in the future.  She quoted Philippians several times telling me that she kept seeing the verse "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.  I walked away from this experience uncertain about what to think.


When I got home I shared my experience with Brett (and also that maybe I had hallucinated the whole thing because no one else seemed to notice her) and he pointed out there were so many things that had occurred out of the ordinary that it made it hard to believe that it wasn't a God thing: I found the quote the night before that made me want to learn more, Brett had the day off which he usually doesn't, I left the house without a fight or feeling banished, and I sat and shared a very personal story with a stranger. It was an amazing and moving experience (which might not be adequately shared here but at least it is here for the future) and would you believe it but that was the month that we fell pregnant with Finley (and I will admit that anytime that I felt nervous or scared about my pregnancy I thought about this experience and felt a sense of peace).  Praise the Lord for his timing is perfect and he does carry the things that are too heavy for us.